Operation: Get Rid of Mary Sue!
by Calypse
Summary: A Mary Sue has invaded Hogwarts le gaspeh! and Hermione has to team up with the most unlikely of allies to get rid of her...
1. Chapter 1

Calypse: Ice cream deprived, skim milk deprived, chocolate deprived, leave me alone.

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Something was wrong.

Something was very wrong.

Professor Dumbledor cleared his throat loudly and banged his spork on to the table.

"Attention please!" Professor Sprout was seen carrying the sorting hat. Most looked up in interest. "We have a new student transferring to our school... her name is Victoria Aurora Celeste Paine."

A girl walked in captured by the candlelight in a way only original characters could be. Nearly the whole population's necks twisted one hundred eighty degrees keeping their eyes focused on this radiant beauty that graced the stone flooring with her godly presence.

Ron's jaw went slightly slack as she turned to look at them all. Her figure inhumanely like those of a goddess, her robes, that only came down to cover her tight butt, giving her more cleavage than morally allowed.

In the background people were fighting over whether she was looking at them with her exotic looking, color changing eyes or not.

Slytherins were nowhere to be seen as they had been conveniently forgotten, Ravenclaw had been lost somewhere in the library, and Hufflepuff didn't exist seeing how nobody bothered thinking about them.

The ragged sorting hat was placed on her curly silver hair before it shrieked and tried to manually tear itself off from her head.

"Griffindor!" The sobbing sorting hat was carried away by Professor McGonagall who looked as if she would like nothing more than to slap Professor Dumbledor for thinking of such an idiotic idea.

The Griffindors cheered fanatically, there was a slight groan from where the other houses should have been but that could have been a figment of everyone's imagination.

Hermione had her mouth open.

And it was not because of Victoria Aurora Rainbow or whatever's blinding beauty.

Their school... had been invaded by a Mary Sue!

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Calypse: No, I don't suppose I own Harry Potter


	2. Chapter 2

Calypse: ...

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Somehow they ended up in the dormitories, which was deserted, despite Victoria's dazzling beauty.

"May I join you?" she whimpered, completely oblivious to the fact that she had already joined them.

Harry and Ron nodded mutely not quite believing their luck while Hermione clicked her tongue testily shaking her head at their stupidity.

"Oh good." Said Victoria brightening up, "Now I can tell you about my horrible, terrible, tragic past!"

"Oh yes Victoria," chorused Ron and Harry, "Tell us about your horrible, terrible, tragic past that has brought you to us today."

Victoria flicked away her silky, gold hair behind her shoulders releasing a strong scent of violets to the inhabitants of the room.

Hermione gagged while thinking 'didn't she have silver hair?', Ron grinned stupidly, Harry looked like he was about to burst.

"I'm actually Dumbledor's daughter," Hermione snorted at this but it seemed like Victoria had gotten Umbridge's teachings, she plowed on like a charging rhino. "I was kidnapped at a young age by Dark Lord... well..." she looked around worriedly plastering a fake, frightened look on her gorgeous face.

Harry instantly became attached to her side murmuring soothing words as crocodile tears flowed down from her saddening blue eyes. Ron hugged her getting a few gropes while trying not to bury her face in her breasts and bury his face at the same time.

"You-know-who..." she whispered, quivering slightly. "He beat me, and tortured me, using me as a pawn because of my potential as a witch. I could heal without wands or potions, talk to animals, memorize things that I've only seen once, use magic without wands..." she sniffed and a tissue mysteriously found itself in her hands, she blew her nose into it, tearing it to shreds. "I escaped when I was eight, and got adopted into a family of elves who raised me as their own." She looked like she was pondering whether or not to swoon at this point in time. "They raised me until the Dark Lord found me again, killed them all and took me back." Fat tears began to fall from her almond shaped purple eyes.

'Purple!' thought Hermione bewilderedly.

"And things were worse until the Order rescued me finally, freeing me of Voldemort's evil clutches." Another tissue was sadly taken away from the world of living. "And now he's after me... because I have the secret weapon that can destroy him..."

"What!" Hermione burst out uncharacteristically. "If you have a secret weapon that can defeat you-know-who, they why don't you tell Dumbledor about it!" Victoria looked offended, another tissue making way into her flawless hands.

"That wouldn't be right." She stated, her eyes lighting to a sparkling shade of pink. "Think of how many plot twists and climaxes the readers would be deprived of."

"Climaxes..." mumbled Harry, turning a lovely shade of scarlet. Ron was too busy groping her to notice.

"WHAT PLOT!" and she whirled around leaving the trio behind stomping up the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Calypse:** I died, but then I came back because afterlife didn't want me. Sorry

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It had been a tiresome week at Hogwarts with Aurora-Celeste-Rainbow-pain-in-the-ass smirking from every corner while giving bipolar people bad name. One moment she would be this bubbly thing free as air while twittering around making a fool of herself but somehow managing to come out absolutely perfect. The next moment, she would be this angst-ridden heroine of the story her past one too many moments too tragic to keep to herself. 

By morning, SPEW had been disbanded as House-Elves caused a miniature civil-war within the kitchen with one side vying for liberty while another had cleverly crafted a minor shield charm against Victoria-now-shortened-to-Vicky's pink sparkles. By afternoon, Hermione had inadvertently memorized the number times Vicky-now-shortened-to-Vi had broken her nail while brewing a potion. By midday, she had men worshipping the dirt she walked on with her high-heels. (Hermione had yet to figure out how she climbed the staircases) By evening they were all gathered around the fireplace, carefully listening in as they carefully formulated absurd relationship triangles even Rita Skeeter might have taken a second look at.

"It's absolutely insane! I mean the boys..." she sniffed loudly slamming her book shut, "_**Boys...**_" she continued condescendingly, "Boys I can understand with their filthy little brains clogged up with whatever that little witch promises them. Boys are absolutely useless!" she cried, slamming her fist down on her book. "She has them all wrapped around her perfect nails and they _like_ it!"

"Moving on from the fact that I AM a boy..."

Hermione continued as if she hadn't heard.

"I can't believe how she got _all_ perfect scores, on her first day! She even got a _smile_ from Professor Snape. A smile, a smile! He never even smiles at Slytherines as it is. And when I suggested to him to feed her a truth potion or even perform a minor cruciatus curse to see if she's from the Dark Lord to spy on our cause he looked at me like I was crazy!"

"Imagine that..."

"And in transfiguration, she actually was able to perform a complicated charm that turned a leaf into an extinct species of a newt. And she got full marks for it even though our assignment was clearly to turn that leaf into an army of leaf-cutter ants."

"I get the point..."

"...But that's not all!"

"Granger!"

Hermione stopped, sullen at being interrupted.

Draco, angry that his little happy time with Pansy had been oh-so-eloquently shot out the window, glowered at the muggle-born witch, a tic developing in his right eyebrow. "Why the hell are you in here... wait, how the bloody hell did you get in here in the first place?!"

"Aurora-what's-her-name told me." Replied Hermione shamefaced. "She knows all the passwords till the end of the year. Something about being prepared."

"Well I don't care!" snarled Pansy in a shrill voice that seemed to have been glued to her throat ever since the newest addition to their school. "This is the Slytherine's common room, no Griffindors allowed. Go buddy buddy with Ravenclaw or something. I'm sure they'd _love_ you."

"Ravenclaw is gone if you haven't noticed," shot Hermione angrily, "and so is Hufflepuff."

"Why am I not surprised?" Draco drawled, "It seems that the only reason why Slytherine's even in the building seems to be to antagonize Gryffindor-wannabes. We do have other hobbies than creating insults for you, you know. Like... pottery and... golf."

Hermione muttered a short 'yeah right,' under her breath before continuing loudly,

"I'd be careful if I were you Draco. Who knows, maybe you'll have to kidnap her sometime soon... then maybe Harry will come to get her back and you die a horrible death because you suddenly realized that you've traumatized her by tearing her new outfit."

"Oh pity," Draco said sarcastically, "but until then, you'll have to deal with her and I bet by now..." there was an evil glint in his eyes. "She's nailed it in everyone's minds that you're a traitor to the Griffindor cause." The blonde made a cheerful swiping motion against his neck.

Hermione paled and sprinted out the door.


End file.
